he is HONESTLY, THE MOST amazing guy i've ever been with. par none. he makes me so happy. words cant describe the way he makes me feel. well actually... yeah it can, but its gonna be helluh long, lol. and i'm going to attempt to write it for you guys. it's so weird that we've only been together for 2 weeks. (crazy huh?) but it just feels like so much longer, and I really feel like we can have these feelings for each other for a really long time. well, at least i can. we've already had our ups and downs but thats gonna happen throughout this entire relationship, however long we wanna ride it out. for me, i don't wanna get off. rollercoaster ride or merry go round, its gonna be a ride no matter what. the thing about him is, is that i feel so comfortable talking and opening up to him, in the past 2 weeks we've spent almost everyday together, having heart to hearts, having fun, getting to know each other, yelling at each other and stuff. he's starting to become one of my best friends. and i'm so grateful for that. i really think that being in a relationship with someone who is also your best friend really strengthens your bond with each other, because you always know that you will have fun with each other, and can talk to each other. i've never really had a connection with someone like that before, and its such a new feeling, and truthfully, i cry... well almost cry about it. call me crazy or stupid, but thats just the way i feel. i can't help it. i am just really thankful that he is not the guy that's just out there for a "hit it and quit it" moment. even though he has this not so great past, it doesn't change the way i feel about him, it just makes me like him more, and makes me want to cuddle with him and tell him that i'm here now, and i'm gonna make things better and i'm gonna help him experience things he's never experienced before... ickkkk, now i sound really arrogant and ya'll know how much i hate that, but really... i don't know how to explain it, but he really irritates me with all these stories about his past and it reallly does get to me, it hurts really badly because i'm afraid that if i don't impress him, he'll relapse and go back to the way he was and leave me. i guess that's just my insecurities talking but its how i'm used to thinking after having it happen to me so many times before. but the thing is is that i want to try with him. if i didn't like him as much as i do now, i wouldve already left him. but i don't want to. i feel like he wants to really be with me, and that makes me want to be with him. the fact that he wants to be with me, and he enjoys it and wants to spend more time with me makes me jump for joy. literally. i haven't felt this way in such a long time. i know, 2 weeks doesn't sound that long... and it really isn't. but if we have these feelings now, thats great! if it dies down, it dies down, and i really don't want that to happen. that's one of the many things i'm afraid of... is that he'll get bored with me. and its so hard trying to not be that way. even though i don't think i'm boring at all, you never know what the other person thinks, you know? but again, thats my insecurities showing. i need to be more outgoing... even though i am, i just need to not overanalyze the things that are great and break them down into something negative... because when you really look at the picture. there's really nothing negative about us. i am so happy with him, and i like to think that he's happy with me. but it's scary because... i don't live in the past, i really don't. it GETS to me, yes. but the past is the past and i, nor we can change it. with Josh, i know he's had a crazy past. but it doesn't affect my feelings for him. it makes me re-think some things but i really like him. nothing can change that. really. the way i see things is that, even if you hurt me, physically or mentally, i'll still like you, its just that you hurt me, and morally, thats wrong. you have no right to hurt me and i have to right to hurt you. simple as that. also, i defiintely don't agree with the things that he's done before, but i have to move past that. and i try to. but it's gonna take time for me to do that. only because i'm afraid that in the future, it might happen again. but you never know, it might or it might not. i guess i have to stop overanalyzing things and just live my life with him accordingly, and hopefully he'll want to live his with me. is that dumb? wanting someone to live their life with you after just 2 weeks? idk, it's how i feel. it might change it might get stronger, i don't know. thats what i'm afraid of, i'm always used to having a plan, but with Josh, he's an open book. he lives in the now. i live in the future. well... not really IN the future, just i think about my life in the near future and what is gonna happen and where i'm gonna be and who i'm gonna be with. hopefully with him. but like i said, you never know. i can only hope for the best, and try to make it that way. hmm... all i know is right now... i'm really content with my life. with him. =] and then there's that question of love... am i in love with him? no. not yet. what am i talking about? lol, no, i'm not in love with him. but i could see it happening. if things keep going the way it's going, this could eventually turn into love within the next year. well, thats just looking at things prospectively... things could change... so i'm gonna strive to make sure that this relationship will go the way i want it too, and hope that he will have the same values and views that i do. but honestly, no, i don't love him, and i'm okay with that. =]. i'm not moving too fast with him, and i'm really okay with that. i don't feel the need to say bullshit to get what i want, 1) because he won't fall for it and 2) i have too much respect for him AND myself to do something like that. thats why i wanna take it slow with him. to see if he REALLY deserves what i want to give him. not just my hormones taking over and wanting it badly, but knowing that he waited all this time and stayed with me all this time to wait for me, is a really big turn on mentally and physically. it shows that he's down for me. and i would like to have that feeling. i'm very much in like with him though. i don't care about what anyone says, it's the way i feel and it makes us both happy, so i'm gonna live it the way i want. and not take anything for granted, and work to make this the best relationship i've ever had. Joshua baby. You don't mean the world to me today, but "one day, is all it takes for things to turn around now, all i know is i got you and you got me babe, and when that morning comes, i'll make coffee and you'll read the paper, we'll talk about our plans and i'll keep saying how lucky we are." and thats just the beginning. =] sleeeepy time.

i don't remember how many times i've written about love... but i feel like this will be this wont be the last time...

what is love? i have no idea. but to me, i think it's when you know that your comfortable with this person your with, and that you could see yourself living with this person and that your life will be BETTER with this person in the future, through thick and thin. day and night. love and lust. i haven't felt love from someone other than my family in a very long time, and i'm beginning to miss it. but the thing is is that i don't just wanna jump into something that i don't know what's gonna come out of it, you know?

i would like to date. i would like to confide into someone intimately. i would love to cuddle with someone on a dreary day like today. i would like to someone to go running with me in the mornings or at night. i would love to have late night talks and fooling around. i would love for my family to have dinner with this person and be happy for me. i would love to have simple romantic nights, and i would love to have super romantic nights. i would love to be in love. but i don't wanna be in love with the fact of being in love. i want the real thing.

is that weird?

i know, i ask that question a lot, but really. someone my age wants to be in love. i'm not saying i wanna find it now, but eventually. it'll come to me when it comes to me, but i guess i'm just lonely. yeah, i have friends and what-not but they are just friends. i want a spark. i want someone whom i wanna see everyday, who wants to see me everyday. who'll lay in my arms while i sing them to sleep. who will accept me for who i am. whom i can trust and be honest with. who i will accept for who they are. who will listen to me cry and bitch and moan. who i can listen to them bitch and moan. who'll laugh at my un-comical jokes and participate in my families crazy antics and i can in his. i want a guy whose mine, as i am his.

sometimes i think that i'm gonna be alone forever... only because society these days, it seems like everyone is in a relationship, just to be in a relationship, or they're just out for sex. sometimes i just feel like i think differently about things than... most people. and when i talk to people about it, they always say that... blahhh, blah blah your too young to be in love, enjoy being young, blah blah blah. but to me, that just makes me mad. because they don't KNOW the way i feel.

i really HATE boasting about myself... i don't like to put myself over others, and saying i'm better than others, because I'M NOT. i know i'm not better than you. all i can do is be better than the person i was before... but what i do know is that i have a big heart, but i FEEL (not KNOW) i FEEL like i'm too mature for my age. is that arrogant of me to say? i hope not. but really... i feel that way. i haven't met someone who has the same views as me or anything like that. i haven't met someone who would level me out, and bring me down to my 19 year old side. yes, i do have it, but i constantly think about the future and what it may hold and how i'm living and how what i do now, is going to affect me later. i can be immature... when i'm around the right people. and it makes me crazy. i just hope a lot of the things i've done in the past don't haunt me in the future. even they might, i'm trying to prepare for that day. soooooo as you can see. a lot goes through my tiny little head. which sucks, but i can't change the way i feel.

it's so difficult.

okay i'm done with that little tangent.

i think this has inspired me to write a new song. not very many things inspire me i think because i'm a difficult person. it takes a while for things to come to me and i feel like now, something has. like, i don't write a lot of songs, because i'm not inspired too. and when i am, it turns out great, and i'm like... how the hell did i write this song because this isn't something i would really play or sing. it's a like a little baton of musicality that conducts me until i come out with a song.

when did this blog about romance and relationships turn into a blog about music? lol.

i guess, music will always be my one true love.

some people are just monstrous idiots. If you write a fucking blog that says, "Things I'll never say" and you write what those things in that blog... aren't you contradicting yourself? Like, how dumb is that? It makes me angry when people bullshit like that to cause drama, because you know that people are gonna fuckin read that shit, so you just might as well stop beating around the fucking bush and say it. how idiodic of you.

hey guys, long time no update. ughh i know. sorry. but anyways, i've been.... slightly busy. i finished painting my room. its beautiful. =]. its a maroon red and yellow color. i'll make a layout showcasing it later on. but I have to say, it feels like home when i''m in it. =]. i just can't get over the colors. but anyways, when I FINALLY get a job and start to save up money, I will definitely take out the furniture in here and stuff and i'm gonna try to get a metal frame bed, and a red matress with prolly yellow or green comforters, and I want a purple bean bag, a fridge, and a TV set maybe. I want my room to look like you stepped into a club, or IKEA, haha. That'd be just great.

Anyways, I watched Meet the Browns today and it was very... uplifting I guess you could say. Speaking of that, I loved that movie. ALL of Tyler Perry's movies are pretty much the best thing ever. I love them very much so. They always have the tendency of making me cry and laugh and just be happy. I just can't wait for Madea Goes to Jail! Lol, I bet it's gonna be amazing. I saw the play and it was HIGHlarious and saddening at the same time. So I bet it's gonna be great.

Ughh times are getting harder, still haven't had any luck with finding a job. But i've been looking. I need to go to staffing agencies and look more. I should apply to be a waiter or a server because I hear they make helluh money, and I'd definitely like to do that. I applied at T-Mobile and hopefully someone will call me back. Oh! And I got called yesterday from Daireds Salon and Spa for a Spa Attendant. I think that would be pretty fun. Just something to make more money than I am right now, because right now its... NADA. lol. But forreal, it's just so awkward to apply for jobs, don't you think? I think so. Ughhh I hate it, but it has to be done.

My Dad's bday is on friday, but I have to call him tomorrow... 'why? you may ask...well Guam is about... 17 hours ahead of us, so tomorrow for me is Friday to them... so i need to call him on his bday. Also, my cousins bday is on Saturday, i'm very excited to go to her party. I hope its a blasty blast! She's turning 33 so it better be! And I hope she doesn't get too super drunk because she always is, lol. <

ughhh so my weekend has been a little hectic. on friday i just chilled out for a little bit and went some job hunting but unfortunately, no luck whats so ever. Borders is hiring for a Cafe Supervisor, but thats pretty much it, and also Blockbuster wasn't hiring which is pretty lame too since their sign says that they are hiring which kinda makes me mad. =/.

thennn i went to go have dinner at my cousins house, it was really good, some chickken with stir-fry. all of my cousins husbands are the greatest cooks, lol. it's great. i like it a lot. but right after I get done eating, my mom texts me and tells me that she's gonna see me in the morning. ughhh and i got depressed. i pretty much was being really picky about where to work and stuff but i guess i was just caught up in trying to impress them and I lost track of what my real goal was, to be happy. well, they came on saturday like around 1pm and went to sleep til about 4pm but i talked to my mom. i thought it was gonna be a difficult talk about my job hunting and trying to get me to come back, but surprisingly it wasn't, which i'm happy for. i didn't want to fight with them. it was pretty pleasant, but when they woke up, they went str8 to packing up their merchandise and left like at 8pm. which was a quick trip. From what i've heard, they've been friggin traveling like crazy! last weekend, they were in Vegas for a couple days, then went to LA to pick up more merchandise, yesterday they were here, and next weekend they are going to Cali again to pick up my aunts Mercedes that my mom bought.... lucky. Lol, i want one.

Oh well...

Last night, I went with my cousins friends birthday dinner which was really fun, made some new friends. =]]] then i went to the club with my cousin and just chilled out. but i did get to talk to a really cool guy named Peter. =]. He is really nice, we talked definitely for hours and sang to each other and just had a grand ole time. lol. =]]]]]]]]].

grr, today i'm gonna go bowling with my cousins, hopefully that'll be fun because i'm on their bowling league, and I hope to do really well!!!! lol. wish me luck!

INFOMERCIALS. They're super interesting... sometimes. I was eating my cereal today watching music videos and this infomercial about some hanger that folds down looks helluh cool. haha. i was just staring at the TV watching it totally captivated... how odd is that? tell me, why do you think that infomercials are so interesting?

also, i was watching the Umbrella music video by Rihanna (which I havent seen in a while) and I just realize that in the music video, she reminds me of Sailor Mercury from SailorMoon. If ya'll are familiar with the show.... don't you agree? With her throwing all that water everywhere and what not? I'm not a big fan of Rihanna but I like her music a lot. She's kinda cute. I guess.

So today i'm gonna be super busy kinda, i'm pretty much gonna:

1. clean up the house, because it looks like a hot mess

2. try to fix the treadmill and run for a half hour to an hour.

3. start to make the flyer for my cousins club. we need more publicity.

4. go job hunting.... ughhh.

5. whatever the day brings.

So hopefully, i'll have a slam packed day. OMFGGG did I tell you guys about how LONG I was on an applicatin? 4 friggin hours. For Daireds Salon. JEEEZ. It took me forever and a day to think of answers to the questions they asked, it was horrendous.... but smart. But forreal... i mean, come on. They asked questions about my strengths and give work or school related answers. And then they also asked about the best compliments I got on some creative solutions blah blah blah, and I was like... wtf? But I did it. Hopefully i'll friggin get a call back sometime, or at least an email for filling it out. jeez. lol.

i really hate job hunting, its so embarrassing!!! or maybe i'm just overthinking it, maybe not, lol. but I think its embarrassing for people to go up to other people and ask them if they're hiring, i remember when I worked at my old job, and someone asked me, i was like... ughhh... this person wants to work here? idk, i'm also super picky so idk. gahhhh for me it's so difficult but i need to do itm i can't rely on people giving me jobs, i need to go out there and do it myself. it'll happen eventually, i know it will. blahhh wish me luck.

keep it cute or put it on mute. =]]]

I really do. I'm watching it right now and I just noticed how much I liked it! It's crazy, but whatevs. Do you ever notice that Team Rocket ALWAYS has a plan and always COMPLETES it until Ash and them fuck it all up?

Anyways, today I hope that today is a good day. I'm gonna go job hunting again today, I wanna go to Borders so I can apply because I definitely love it there. I could spend hours and hours and hours at Borders and it be really awesome if I could work there. Or at Olive Garden, whichever will hire me faster, lol.

I have this kink in my neck, and it's not like it's a big one, but it's helluh buggin me, i'm super mad and I keep massaging it. I feel like an old person. But I guess that's what I get for not working out and sleeping late and just crashing. I definitely need to work out a helluhva lot more because apparently i'm starting to get fat. =/. I just gained almost 15 pounds since I moved here about a month ago. Like, WTF?!?!?! So, my cousins and I got a membership at the YMCA so we're gonna start working out over there. I wish I could go running but it's just way too cold to go out at night, I don't like it. The cold bugs the HELL out of me.

So, i've noticed that I am drinking more tea lately, hot tea, especially with honey, sugar and milk. Oolong tea to be exact. And I love it. I always drink it in the morning when I wake up and in the evening. Now I really do feel like an old person haha. Ehhh. Alrighty. I'ma go and find a job. i'll ttyl.

hey guys, this is my new video! it's a tutorial video for my OTHER video for Beyonce's Halo. Quite a few people have asked me for this tutorial video and I put it off for like a couple weeks but I got a ton of messages asking me to make it.... sooooo i finally did. I hope you guys enjoy it! How to Play Halo Acoustically by Beyonce



here is the original 'Halo' cover:



Please please please!!! SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube Channel. =]

peeps.

so basically today was pretty alright. i woke up super early to go and drop off my nephew at school. and almost got lost, haha. after that, i was too awake. it sucked. so ive been awake since 7 this morning. im pretty sure i'll be sleeping early tonight, haha.

so i made a new blog, which is this, and I dont have any readers yet but hopefully soon I will, lol.

anyways, I went job hunting today. It was pretty exciting. I applied at a couple places. I was nervous about going but I just have to go out there and do it, I desperately need money. But whatevs, I have a couple of applications and i hope that i get one of them. Hopefully Olive Garden, maybe, because i've seen a lot of people to go in there and so they prolly make a lot of money? haha idk, thatd be very nice. very much so. and I was gonna go into Borders and apply over there but i'm just gonna go tomorrow and apply because I love LOVE LOVE LOVE Borders. Its an amazing store. I love reading. haha. BUTTTT my cousin tcxted me and needed her can back so I had to go home, lameeee. sooo apparently i'm stupid because I definitely thought that Nate was gonna be on this weeks american idol audition was today. But not, lol. It sometime... hopefully soon. I really wanna see him. UGHHH Im so mad. I feel so bad for Mariah, she is my jesus. But she's losing it and I hate to see her go! She is such a fabu singer. She really is, but apart from the amazing-ness I can just hear her struggle and I hate it. I dont want her to go. She's forever eternal to me but I want her to keep going strong and beat those DAMNED BEATLES!!!! Well, not damned, I love them but I like Mariah more, lol. She's my fave. Music is religion, Keep the faith.

Hey Peeps,

So yeah, i know. i havent blogged in like... forever and a day... literally, my last blog was last year! how crazy! haha. anyways....

So as most of you guys know. I moved to Fort Worth, Texas. I wouldn't really call it new territory being as, I was born here. But it is new territory as in living here. It just.... feels like home and it's comfortable here and it's beautiful. I moved here because... I just didn't feel like I was progressing in Tucson. I spent 6 years there and the most exciting things were that I went to high school there. College was a bust. I didn't learn anything so I just wasted time. I performed a little bit and that was exciting but that's basically it. My love life over there was at a complete halt.

I remember Trevor... who like... was crazy and permanently left an odd wound, not on my heart... but in my mind.

After him was, I think... David, who was ashamed to be with me and wanted to keep our relationship mostly in the dark.

Then after him was... umm... i'm pretty sure it was Nate. Haha crazy, fun, loving Nate. He was the bomb diggity. He didn't care about shit if you dogged on him, he didn't care about people opinions of himself or anything. I guess that's what I really loved about him. Such a free spirit. But maybe too much of a free spirit for me. I wouldn't say we were boyfriends... but we were on an intimate level. I guess that's just his personality???? But somehow I just got really attracted to him which made me overprotective when I shouldn't have been. And i've learned that now. But I just can't help the way I feel. Nate and I planned to go to audition for American Idol together in July. Well, let me start with, at first, he moved to Tucson from New York. Which was really cool because it found me completely randomly and we met up and we clicked instantly on thr 4th of July, lol. Anyways, we got to hanging out more and more and more and the next week he decided to move back to Malone and bought his ticket. That definitely put me in a not-so-good mood, so I wanted to make him feel like... he didn't come here to just waste time, you know? So i tried to show him around a little bit and I took him to the movies and around town and stuff. It was really nice. We got to know each other really well and I dont regret anything that happened. But one night, we went to my friend Ivan's BDAY party and he decided to make out with Ivan's friend... whooooo hooo. THAT got me friggin LIVID. So I left. And we had a falling out and whatever, and this is where it gets bad... I didn't take him to American Idol so he went with his aunt. I kinda regret that in a way, because I told him I was going to and I didn't. But I just didn't wanna deal with the drama and the tension. But he understood. American Idol comes along and we both didn't make it. Haha what luck. Anyways, the day before he leaves he messages me and tells me that he's sorry for the way things ended and didn't wanna leave on bad terms. I accepted and apologized back for being a complete douche and an asshole but whatever, its done and over now. We're cool. But get this, he flies back to New York and auditions for AI and makes it! So be sure to go see him on Tuesday!!! The 20th on AMERICAN IDOL!!! He's the one in the purple pants. And vote for him and wish him luck, and if he asks, tell him I told you too, haha.

Anyways, last year... wow. Amazing and scary year. Amazing as in I met really amazing people. Like... Rochelle and Jennifer, who have become my bestest friends. Nate... refer to paragraph above. Alyse and Sierra who have gotten closer than ever as friends. And then there's Tiffany, who used to be one of my bestest friends, but we just had a bad falling out beyond repair. But whatevs. Scary as in, Trevor... nuff said... and Zhatair getting drunk THAT was scary! Hahahahah. Just stuff like that.

I couldn't take my parents anymore. Well, not in the sense of that I hate them. More in the sense that they weren't making me happy. All we ever did was argue and talk about the military. I dont even wanna get into that. But really, thats all it ever was about. And now that I moved, it looks as though they aren't yelling at each other as much and stuff. It just seems like... the sacrifice of me leaving, lead to strengthening their relationship. I guess that's a good thing... I guess. I just... I can't stand my step dad. I can't. He gets on my nerves so much, and I know that I get on his, a lot. It's just the way that we are. For me, it's just like he's the cocky jock guy that has to ve right about everything because he was in the military and read so many books and blah blah blah. Whatever. I can understand that in some ways, but COME ON. You can't be right about everything. It's not all about smarts and common sense, it's about practical thinking and respect for other people. It just frustrates me when he talks because he makes himself sound like... God. Well, not like God but close to it. But whatever, it's the way he is. But also, I hate that he makes my mom that way.

LISTEN TO THIS: I bet if my mom would've stayed with my dad, coming out would've been soooo much easier. Think about it, my dad, who lives in Guam totally accepts it and loves me for me and I grew up with him but on the otherhand; my mom who lives in Arizona. was appalled at the fact that I am gay. We got into a big arguement about it and stuff. But its over with. But I mean, my dad is such a cool and caring person, all of my cousins here remember and LOVED my dad. But I guesss when she met Stacey, and stayed with him, all his conservativeness and strict ways went onto her. Oh well, I still love her. I miss her so much. She always took care of me when I needed it. Yeah, we would yell a lot at each other but out of it, we communicated and it helped us be more family oriented with each other. Mostly because I only started living with her when I was 14... the teenage angsty years, lol.

Oh well. Life goes on. I'm living here now, i've been despereately trying to find a job, but being super picky about it. I'm waiting on a call from the Bank of Texas, and my Uncle Suki is supposed to be opening Verizon stores here at the end of the month... hopefully I can get my foot in the door with one of them at least... shit, Adrey needs to get insurance for his car and stuff, lol. Plus, itd be very nice to go shopping once in a while. OH and also, I need to save up because i'm gonna go back to Tucson and visit in March, hopefully, and i'm going to England in May for Jennifers WEDDING, =]]]]]]].

BUT most of all, I just need to get out of the house and make friends of my own instead of relying on my cousins. And don't get me wrong, they are amazing amazing amazing people but i'm sure they get sick of me from time to time. Lol. Oh well. OMFG the Flipside Lounge is amazing. Thats the Club my cousins own now that my aunt has passed away (R.I.P Auntie Jeanette). Its great, very fun atmosphere. I like it a lot and they always have great parties.

As you all know, it's going great here. I've even friggin gained almost 15 pounds since I moved here! I guess they really mean it when they say everything is bigger in texas, lol. My cousin and I got a membership to the YMCA so we can work out booties off to look sexy for the summer, for FLORIDAAAA and chill out on a boat on the Lake... yeah... fun stuff.

There's just sooo much to do here. Downtown is great, its so nice and people are friendly, and it's just a whole different environment from Tucson. Plus, Dallas is like... 45 min away and its HUGE over there. Crazy crazy. I'm scared to go, lol.

Hope you enjoyed my little rant. =]]].

Keep it cute, or put it on mute.

Adrian Paul Balansay